Kindness, generosity and compassion are qualities we teach our kids and on a good day, we might embody ourselves.
But it takes time and patience to cultivate these qualities and who has any of that these days? You only have to look at social media to see that collectively, our ability to empathise with others and even just use some basic manners is in short supply.
Between the cost of living crisis, waves of job losses, strained health and education systems, political divides and just trying to keep up the crazy pace of life, many of us have lost our minds, let alone our ability to show up for each other as decent humans.
So have these values gone for good or should we get our rusty halos out, give them a shine and have another go at being a bit nicer to ourselves and each other?
Dr Tony Fernando, New Zealand psychiatrist and author of Life Hacks From The Buddha - How to Stay Calm and Content in a Chaotic World - says practising kindness is one of the nicest things we can do for everyone, including ourselves.
He’s long been fascinated with compassion as a Buddhist, psychiatrist and as a senior lecturer in psychological medicine at the University of Auckland, where he taught medical students for 20 years.
Originally from the Philippines, Dr Fernando even has a PhD in compassion in medicine (yes, literally), where he studied what stops doctors from being compassionate with their patients.
In a nutshell, his research found that doctors were less compassionate when they were stressed out from being overworked and treated badly through shoddy employers (hello, failing health system) and abusive patients.
The same could apply to other health professionals and, well, ANYONE who is stressed (which is all of us, especially working women with kids), he says. If we’re stressed it’s hard to be nice or behave well. So, the key to practising virtues is being calm and content in our chaotic world, he says.
So how do we do that? Dr Fernando says we might want to check out what the “greatest psychologist of them all” - the Buddha - has to say.
A practising Buddhist who has also been ordained as a monk in Myanmar, Dr Fernando says he often suggests ways to cope with stress based on Buddhist teachings of compassion to his patients. This led to him writing the book of tips and techniques for non-Buddhists.
“I've been thinking about these concepts for 20 years. And I apply them to my life and I apply them with my patients, not as medical advice, more as suggestions.”
Life hacks from the Buddha
The root of most stress and suffering is our inability to accept things as they are, Dr Fernando says. Our expectations often stand in the way of what is real and what is possible. In his book, he even has a handy little formula that can remind of us of this:
Stress = Expectation
Reality
“When people are expecting too much, I suggest using this formula,” he says.
When people are holding on too tight to an expectation - a certain outcome to a situation - they are “grasping”.
In his psychiatry work he specialises in sleep. Many of his patients are women, “a lot of them perfectionists”.
“For most of their life, they've managed and controlled and have been successful. And now they have a problem with sleep. And they utilise all sorts of techniques,” he says.
“They're like, ‘Well, I need to fix this’. But what they end up doing is grasping - ‘I should sleep. If I don't sleep, I'll be a disaster’.”
These patients are so worked up their shoulders are up to their ears. He tells them they look tense and they don’t look ready for bed. “They are grasping at the idea of having to sleep”.
He tells them (and shows them) how to relax. “If sleep happens, it happens. I tell them, ‘If you don't sleep, at least you're relaxed’.”
Another life hack from the Buddha Dr Fernando recommends is recognising that your reality is not other people’s reality.
He says people’s perceptions on how life should be is unique to them as they have specific causes and conditions that lead them to where they are.
“There are eight billion of us with eight billion perceptions. We have many similarities but we’re also very different. It’s actually quite humbling.”
It’s all very well to hold on to expectations lightly and be relaxed but what happens if you’re so stressed (hello job, kids, running a household) that you’re completely swamped?
Dr Fernando says the Buddha would say, the first step is to recognise that you’re not coping.
“A lot of people don’t even realise they’re overwhelmed,” he says.
This is very common in women. “They beat themselves up. They even say, ‘I should not be overwhelmed, I’m not a good mother, I should be producing more’.”
After recognising they’re swamped, the next step is to be kind to themselves. A way to do this is to be mindful of what they are thinking.
“Mindfulness is not just about paying attention to the breath. Part of mindfulness training is to curiously observe what your mind does. You might see, ‘Oh look, I’m beating myself up again, or I’m blaming everyone else again’.”
Another way of being kind to yourself is being kind to others, Dr Fernando says. He uses the example of him buying a homeless person lunch - a steak and cheese pie and a drink.
“It cost about $7. Every time I see that receipt I feel good. I know in a little way, I have helped. And it probably helped me more than it helped the guy.
“Kindness is infectious. When you do something kind, it makes you feel good, and it makes you want to do a little more.”
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