Breaking up with alcohol for good

My story of how I broke up for alcohol for good.

My eyes flew open as I caught my breath after a nightmare. Something was chasing me and I was terrified, my heart racing . It was only a dream, I reminded myself but then realised that once again I was hungover and feeling terrible.

It was about 3am and unfortunately, waking at this hour and in this state - parched mouth, sweating, nauseous and full of nameless fears – was normal.

Lying there trembling, I'd swear I would never touch a drop of alcohol again. I was more than sick and tired of feeling this way and having my life derailed by alcohol. As I tried to get more desperately-needed sleep, I'd reflect how my precious wine was ruining every area of my life – sleep (I was lucky if I got 4-5 hours of a coma-like slumber), diet (I'd reach for all the unhealthy foods to comfort-eat my way out of a hangover), exercise (who had the energy for that when sleep deprived and a hangover?) and my relationships (everyone was over me being snappy and unreliable when sober and soppy and stupid when drunk).

Today was the day that I'd make a change, I'd think. No more junk food, no more pulling sickies to nap off last night's rose. I would eat healthily, go for a walk, cook a healthy dinner for my family and go to bed early, sober. Today would be the day I would be breaking up with alcohol for good.

Occasionally, I would manage to not drink but more often that not, my day wouldn't pan out like that at all. Fortified with paracetamol, copious amounts of water and a determination to say goodbye to alcohol for good, I'd usually make it through to about lunch time at work when things would start to slide. Thoughts of drinking would invade my mind. "It would be so nice just to have a couple of wines after work," I'd think. "It doesn't have to anything crazy. You work so hard," I would tell myself. "You keep it together, hold down the job, pay the mortgage, run the household and love your kids like crazy, (even when they drive you crazy). You deserve to be rewarded. Life is stressful and you're smashing it. A drink is what you need and what you deserve. It's just a few, it's normal, you'll be fine."

And so the cycle began again. And as always, I wasn't fine. My love-hate relationship with alcohol was killing me.

Using alcohol was like being in an abusive relationship - and I always came out worse off.

I wouldn't admit it to anyone but I'd also started doing some shifty stuff around my alcohol consumption, like covering up much I was drinking and hiding my empty bottles. I was breaking all my rules around alcohol – never drinking alone, never mixing drinks, never drinking before 5pm. In fact, drinking on my own was preferable to drinking with others, because to be honest, they just got in my way. I wanted to be left in peace to decompress and reward myself for holding it together for everyone, and not be judged for kicking back and having a few wines. The day's work was done, the kids were well looked after, I'd done my bit. Now, it was "me time".

In reality the "me time" was playing music alone, feeling lonely and bored and talking to people online and on the phone as I plowed my way through a couple of bottles of wine. I wouldn't usually eat much, except for a few crackers with cheese. Most of the time, I couldn't remember going to bed. Once, my teenage daughter woke me up when I'd passed out on a chair outside. The next morning, I'd have to check my phone and internet history to see what I'd been up to. Mostly it was just harmless , although occasionally I'd blush at the stupid stuff I said that was out of character for me. It was pretty cringey and not who I really was.

At the end of my drinking days, it was a party for one.

Finally breaking up with alcohol for good

Towards the end of my drinking, when things had gotten so bad that there was no hiding how unwell I'd become, I likened my connection with alcohol to that of being trapped in a relationship with a bad boyfriend, or an abusive partner. He would treat me like dirt, beat me up and throw me out, only to lure me back with false promises of everlasting love. "We're so good together", he'd whisper, We have so much fun together. I love you, you complete me. I'll never hurt you again".

I fell for those promises and lies time and time again but after years of going back for more and getting kicked to the corner of the ring, I finally surrendered. I wanted out of the fight that I was never going to win. I couldn't live without alcohol, but I could no longer live with it. The game was up. Somebody pass me a white flag, I pleaded to the universe. I'm done.

Though incredibly painful and scary, I now look back at that time of desperation as the best thing that could have happened. After totally surrendering to my addiction, I was finally ready to get the help I needed and most importantly, do the work required to rebuild my life to live sober and stay that way.

For me, seeing a doctor was important, as was specialised addiction therapy. I also needed a sober network of people who "got" what I was going through and were there to support when the going got tough (and it did).

Sticking it out and seeing through the tough times paid off and now I have lived life sober for 10 years. It doesn't matter what happens – good, bad or otherwise – drinking is not an option, now that I have a set of tools and system of support that can see me through anything, sober.

Listen to my story on the Navigating Adult ADHD podcast here.

If you're sick and tired of being sick and tired and are well and truly ready to stop drinking, reach out for help. Sober coaching is intense 1-on-1 support with someone who's walked the walk to get you started on the sober journey and set you up for sustainable sobriety. Book a free Clarity Call with me, or contact 027 231 5970 or info@goodhealthcoach.co.nz.